It is the soul's duty to be loyal to its own desires. It must abandon itself to its master passion.
- Rebecca West
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Something that most people have rarely done (if ever) is to check in with their own sexual needs and desires. It’s pretty difficult to know what to ask for if you haven’t first been curious about exactly what it is you want. If you're having trouble feeling comfortable with someone, it's not going to help if sex is always a wham-bam affair. Make sure you set aside enough time, and if you're not feeling in the mood don't try to rush yourself into it. If you don't start out feeling OK, it's not going to get any better.
While it is a necessary step to think about what you are enthusiastic about, it’s also important to dive into the things in your sex life that you have blocks around. What makes you nervous? Like a boulder in the middle of a river, everything about sex that we are unable to discuss with our partner is a block to the free-flowing nature of our sexuality. Whether this is something that you want to journal/write about or discuss verbally with your partner (or both) is up to you.
Diving deep into your relationship with yourself is half the battle (if not more), but it’s also vital that you understand where your partner is coming from. Have a chat with your partner, let them know that you have been wanting to work on your relationship to your sexuality (feel free to reference/blame this article if need be), and you’d love if you could do the exercise together. Have them write up their sexual wish list in their own time (no rush) and then move on to the next step.
Whether you take turns verbally telling each other each point on your list, or you (rather bravely) physically exchange your lists to read in each other’s presence, the next step in your process is to become more aware of your partner’s sexual desires. This exercise is basically another step in your mutual journey of “how can I love this person even better than I already am?” And remember that just because something appears in your partner’s “might enjoy this” list, doesn’t mean that it’s necessarily true yet. It might just be something that they have considered trying out.Their list isn’t a legally binding contract that you need to carry out in its entirety. It’s a list of suggestions. It’s a list of starting points.
If you're not feeling things in the bedroom, try not to panic and start worrying that you're not sexually compatible. There have been so many times I've had sex that has been really uncomfortable (or straight up bad) the first few times that has turned into really good sex eventually. Don't catastrophize or start worrying about worse case scenario.
When delving into a topic so rife with fears/worries/insecurities as our sexuality, it’s totally normal to feel a bit overwhelmed or nervous. Before you start experimenting with your exploratory sexual play, it may be advisable to discuss it thoroughly. Talk about troubleshooting, choose safety words, and make sure that both partners feel taken care of throughout the process.
There is a tendency when overhauling our sex life to deep dive right into it. And I get it, it’s exciting. But, especially if you’ve been dating for longer than a year, the intention might lead you astray if it means that you leave all sense of structure and routine behind. So start small. Take baby steps. You don’t make a rolling tire change directions by spinning it 180. You make it change directions by gently guiding it, bit by bit, in a slightly new direction.
You will need time and safe space to bring your new thriving sex life to fruition. While you can carry on with your regular sex life as you do (follow your normal routine/schedule), I highly recommend scheduling in dedicated sexual play dates with your partner with the sole intention of exploring new territory with each other. By giving these sessions their own dedicated space, they can be isolated events that don’t ‘bleed’ into your regular routine. They are their own safe, separate entities that exist in their own space. That way, when something from your exploratory play dates is enough of a winner, it can make its way into your ‘regular’ routine.
By Pritam Mondal
May 04, 2018
-1496569270.png){kind=small}
Something that most people have rarely done (if ever) is to check in with their own sexual needs and desires. It’s pretty difficult to know what to ask for if you haven’t first been curious about exactly what it is you want. If you're having trouble feeling comfortable with someone, it's not going to help if sex is always a wham-bam affair. Make sure you set aside enough time, and if you're not feeling in the mood don't try to rush yourself into it. If you don't start out feeling OK, it's not going to get any better.
While it is a necessary step to think about what you are enthusiastic about, it’s also important to dive into the things in your sex life that you have blocks around. What makes you nervous? Like a boulder in the middle of a river, everything about sex that we are unable to discuss with our partner is a block to the free-flowing nature of our sexuality. Whether this is something that you want to journal/write about or discuss verbally with your partner (or both) is up to you.
Diving deep into your relationship with yourself is half the battle (if not more), but it’s also vital that you understand where your partner is coming from. Have a chat with your partner, let them know that you have been wanting to work on your relationship to your sexuality (feel free to reference/blame this article if need be), and you’d love if you could do the exercise together. Have them write up their sexual wish list in their own time (no rush) and then move on to the next step.
Whether you take turns verbally telling each other each point on your list, or you (rather bravely) physically exchange your lists to read in each other’s presence, the next step in your process is to become more aware of your partner’s sexual desires. This exercise is basically another step in your mutual journey of “how can I love this person even better than I already am?” And remember that just because something appears in your partner’s “might enjoy this” list, doesn’t mean that it’s necessarily true yet. It might just be something that they have considered trying out.Their list isn’t a legally binding contract that you need to carry out in its entirety. It’s a list of suggestions. It’s a list of starting points.
If you're not feeling things in the bedroom, try not to panic and start worrying that you're not sexually compatible. There have been so many times I've had sex that has been really uncomfortable (or straight up bad) the first few times that has turned into really good sex eventually. Don't catastrophize or start worrying about worse case scenario.
When delving into a topic so rife with fears/worries/insecurities as our sexuality, it’s totally normal to feel a bit overwhelmed or nervous. Before you start experimenting with your exploratory sexual play, it may be advisable to discuss it thoroughly. Talk about troubleshooting, choose safety words, and make sure that both partners feel taken care of throughout the process.
There is a tendency when overhauling our sex life to deep dive right into it. And I get it, it’s exciting. But, especially if you’ve been dating for longer than a year, the intention might lead you astray if it means that you leave all sense of structure and routine behind. So start small. Take baby steps. You don’t make a rolling tire change directions by spinning it 180. You make it change directions by gently guiding it, bit by bit, in a slightly new direction.
You will need time and safe space to bring your new thriving sex life to fruition. While you can carry on with your regular sex life as you do (follow your normal routine/schedule), I highly recommend scheduling in dedicated sexual play dates with your partner with the sole intention of exploring new territory with each other. By giving these sessions their own dedicated space, they can be isolated events that don’t ‘bleed’ into your regular routine. They are their own safe, separate entities that exist in their own space. That way, when something from your exploratory play dates is enough of a winner, it can make its way into your ‘regular’ routine.
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