One cannot be humble and aware of oneself at the same time.
- Madeleine L'Engle, A Circle of Quiet
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Sara was the only girl who seems to be arrogant to everyone and of course, ME too…!!! I used to saw her having her lunch daily all alone…No efforts to make any interaction with anyone… But during lectures, she used to be active especially in Communication Classes. She has her own vision to observe the world. She is the only one in college who is always sure about every single thing.
But…every single day, at one point of time… She seems to be so helpless that even I couldn’t describe that feel in my words.
It all started with my effort. Obviously…!!!
One day, I decided to have a conversation with her, because she was the only girl left in class, whom I didn’t talk till yet.
When she was having her lunch all alone. I waved my hands towards her and said hello to her.
But I was quite nervous about her reaction, but she smiled back and waved back at me. I tried to offer my lunch but, she denied. And once for all, we started our first conversation and in a single meet, I only observed her expression. When she smiled, maybe she wanted to hide all her sorrows, behind that smile. It seems to me that may be she is afraid somewhere that may be her happiness fades away one day.
This one word, it revolves all around my head the whole day, after that short small meeting with her.
I decided to check her profile on Facebook, But all in vein. Nothing went good, as I couldn’t get any information about her from there, not even her single picture, or any location tagged over there.
I get little curious about her, about her character every other single day.
Who is she? What exactly she is?
So at very next day, I asked for her number to know her much well. Because I couldn’t control my curiosity and she was totally a mystery for me.
Sara was started becoming exactly like a mission to me. Anyhow, I wanted to solve the mystery. Anyhow, I wanted to know her like those writers, who always have a story in their mind…from where to start and from where to end.
Everything…Every single detail about her.
Basically, I don’t want to give sympathy to her. But I wanted to know about her at any cost.
And yes, she gave me her number. Although, she was very conscious about her number, her facebook id and anything else. She always believed to use her “Right to Privacy” at a higher level. (I guess!) But I got it.
From that particular day, I never miss a chance to solve that mystery.
We started talking on a regular basis. And, I always got to learn something new every day. She was creative, passionate, innovative etc etc…full package of anything, everything.
More the qualities she does have, the more mood swings so.
Nobody can imagine at whatever situation, how she will react.
And the more we talk; I started falling for her deeply and slowly.
I tried so many times to ask about her grief, her that thing which she always used to hide from everyone.
And the reply I got from her was amazed me somehow. She told me that she never want to discuss with anyone, because she wanted everyone to accept her like the way she is; not after hearing her sad story.
She never wanted to gain that special attention. She didn’t want any ‘sympathy’ but only ‘empathy’.
She never wanted to show her that side, for which I started our friendship. That friendship which was equal to nothing, but only a mission.
I was in guilt that how stupid I was, that may be I took the right decision but for the “wrong reason”. I decided to never ask her about those things which may solved my questions, but also could hurt her.
I started thinking about her my all day and night. And yes, I started falling for her.
Our college days were about to finish and Sara was all over my mind.
And, that was the turning point in my life.
I literally was in love with her, so do now.
I decided to tell her about how I feel about her, our relation.
I was not excited but I was in terrible position, as I didn’t know about her ‘reaction’.
May be she will stop those conversation of ours. May be she will not treat me as her friend like always. May be she will leave me alone at that stage, where I needed her only.
NOW, when I know about her enough… After had a courage thing, I decided to tell her.
And I asked her to meet me once after the last exam in Canteen. I was fully prepared that how I am going to express my feelings towards her.
After exam, I was waiting for her desperately in the canteen. And, there I saw her coming towards me. I was excited and nervous both at the same time.
Before I could tell her, She told me that she is going to shift somewhere in other city. She will never be in touch again, as she doesn’t want to lose her concentration. Although, she was focused but still don’t want to take a chance. And she went away.
I stood still there for 5 minutes; I could not understand what exactly she wanted to inform me about.
I could not understand why she just came and told me so and didn’t even wait for a second to get any reply from my side.
I was in very confusing state of mind. I was like…
I called her in the evening. She picked up and I asked her to meet me for once. I also wanted her to tell something. And, she accepted her that thing, she was in hurry that’s why she told about her issues and didn’t listen to me. So, she decided to meet me in the evening.
I was feeling better but tensed that she is going to shift somewhere else….We will never have conversations anymore.
Anyways, I decided that firstly, I will express my feelings and then I will make sure to stop her, make sure that she will change her decisions.
So, Yes… Finally she is here standing in front of me. She asked me to tell her what exactly I wanted to tell since morning.
But, when I saw her face, her fake smile… I forgot everything and could not control and asked her not to leave the city, not to leave me all alone here, not to stop our conversations.
I don’t know, what happened to me, I started crying like a baby and started pleading not to leave me and for the first time, I saw Sara in a deep grief and she expressed herself for the very first time.
She told me that, she already had an idea in morning about my purpose to meet. And, that she wanted to avoid. She didn’t want me to express my feelings because she didn’t want me to feel weak emotionally. She didn’t want me to go through this entire trauma.
And, here, she gave me the reason that she is a ‘Commitment Phobic’ and didn’t want to spoil my moments.
And, Now I really had that ‘right time’ at which I can ask what made her like this?
What is the reason behind that fake smile?
What is the reason for which she is a ‘commitment phobic’?
And she didn’t tell me anything…She told me that she doesn’t want anybody to know about her weakness. She could not resist it.
But, I was there at that situation at which I don’t want to lose her as well as want to know about her reasons.
I already made up mind that somehow I will definitely convince Sara not only to fight with her fear, but also not to leave the city, not to leave me.
But, as usual, she convinced me only that she didn’t want me to be involved and get hurt. She only wants that I should be in my limits and should have least expectations from her and left from there.
And as like last meeting, I didn’t do anything.
I was only in pain. I wanted to stop her, I wanted to beg her that how incomplete I am without her.
I found myself so helpless, hopeless that time. I am addicted to her now. I love her.
After sitting over there for an hour, I decided to go home, and talk to her once again in the morning.
I assumed, she also need some time. So, I gave her time to think, to take a break from the entire trauma.
But, I got her message late at night that she didn’t want to hurt me, although, she didn’t want me to be attached with her also.
I was only thinking, what could be the reason that she is that much upset with the situation.
I know, I was thinking all of this again, but to get a positive response…one should have all the answers to all the negative questions first.
I decided to play selfish; I didn’t want to lose her at any cost.
The very next day, I had a long conversation with her and somehow I convinced her to befriend and I promised her that I will never trouble her too.
So, In that case, she accepted the proposal but yes till now…Mystery continues!!!
We are in touch but with the mysterious situation sometimes.
But, yes! I am happy that she is with me, however, sometimes I feel bad that I could not able to solve that mystery, unable to gave her relief against all her grief.
But I am glad at the same time that she is happy about the space I gave to her, I didn’t force her about anything, I allowed her to feel that she is at her safe comfort zone.
And, I will wait for that moment, when she will gave me that right to know about her and allow me to be the part of her life!!!