UNDERSTANDING THEM By Muskan Saxena

 

6th April 2018, I am standing at the school gate with my little daughter convincing her to go inside that unknown world for her. It was her first day of the school and she was in no mood to enter the school premises. I could see all shades of emotions on her face. As a nanny comes to me and takes my daughter inside the school, I just keep looking at her little fragile form. I was trying to imagine everything that she was going through. Suddenly I find myself travelling down the memory lane, all those years ago, when I went to school for the first time.

 

I could still feel the moment as if it was yesterday only. It’s like déjà vu. I could still feel the goose bumps as everything came alive in front of my eyes. I was back to 4th April 1993 , I still remember that it was a Monday. I can still feel how much I dreaded that day… at least when it started. I was just a small baby of three years, unaware of the world around me because my complete world was in my house with my mom and dad. I used to follow my mother where ever she went. She used to laughingly call me her shadow… but I loved that. I could not imagine even a minute without my parents. And their lives also revolved around me. It was always just the three of us and my home was the happiest place for me. It was where I felt the safest.

 

But that day was quite different.

 

I got up little early that day, I could practically hear the elation and enthusiasm in my parents’ voice through the walls. I was confused, I didn’t know why, but my stomach was in knots as I could not believe what I heard. I was shocked to hear what my parents were talking about. I tried to strain myself rightly to what I was listening. They were sounding excited, but were pretty worried as well, as they talked about sending me to “school” for the first time. I heard the word ‘SCHOOL’ for the first time.  ‘What is school?’ I had never been there… and why were my parents planning to send me there. Will they come along too? Is it like some new picnic spot or what?  My little mind was unable to analyze the situation. I felt totally lost. I also felt a little vulnerable. My dad, who loved me the most, was not sure as how his little princess would be at school alone. I could clearly feel the anxiety and worry in his voice as he talked about the new atmosphere and new people that I would be meeting there. If he was not sure, then how could I be? But my mother was quiet confident of me. She was making all her efforts to convince my father that I would be happy and it would be an exciting day for me there and I would also love the new environment. I was in a state of turmoil as that was the first time when I heard my parents having different opinions on the same situation. I became more dithered.

 

I decided to keep laying in the bed and waited for my parents to wake me up. Soon, I heard my mother calling me very sweetly. She was looking very zealous and excited. She picked me up and helped me in getting dressed. Her voice was full of impetuosity as she talked about that place called ‘School’. She kept on telling me different stories about her school days, her first day at school, then how she started just loving her school , she also told me a lot about the friends she made and the teachers she met. I could sense her attempt to make me as comfortable as possible. She just kept on telling all good things about school to me.  I didn’t know how to react , I wanted to be happy for her , but I didn’t really understand what should I be happy about actually?.they were going to leave me alone in a new place , why would I be happy? I was in a state of total confusion. Me and my parents had always been together since the day I was born, be it going for a movie, picnic, shopping or dinner. Then why was I alone to be sent to school. I had already started hating the name ‘School’.

 

My mother kept talking about my new school, as how I would be enjoying there with all new toys, friends, teachers etc. She told me about the various activities that I would be doing over there. She also told me about the swimming pool in my school , she was so elated about that part because she knew I loved playing in water. Though my mother was making all efforts to convince me but still I had the feeling of skepticism as I was not able to find a single reason, of me, going to school. The only thing which was making me little happy was my new pink frock as I liked it very much , my mother even pinned a handkerchief to it. I was also given a new bag, new bottle and new black shoes. My mother kept my favorite French fries in my new lunch box. I got ready and looked in the mirror , I was looking quite beautiful with my two ponytails.

 

We headed towards the school. I was sitting on my mother’s lap, still puzzled. My parents kept saying all good things to me. They were trying their level best to motivate me. I was perplexed with my parents’ behavior as to what I was supposed to feel, anxiety and worry that I saw in their behavior in the morning or the happiness and excitement that they were showing then. I was looking at their faces and was trying to read their hearts to get the true picture of what exactly were they feeling. I could feel their anxiousness, nervousness but also their gaiety. I could usually feel exactly how they felt. But that day I was really confused. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. Then finally I calmed myself and prepared myself to face the situation. I decided to take the day as it came because there was no escaping it. Then I felt little composed.

 

Two hours later

 

We were standing at the gate of a very big building. It was white, yellow, green and two more colours that I didn’t know neither was I interested in knowing. My parents started praising it with great zeal and enthusiasm. I just stared at the building for a while and found that my heart filled with a little ecstasy. With the little knowledge of words that I had, I could make out that it was some ‘A-B-C P-L-A-Y S-C-H-O-O-L’ I could only read the letters, I didn’t know what it said.  Everything was new for me. My mother helped me to carry my new bag on my shoulders and put my water bottle around my neck. Suddenly I started feeling big and responsible as it was my first time carrying a bag and a bottle all by my own.

 

But now when I think about it, I really want to go back and live those days again. I don't feel that exhilaration of being an adult now. In fact life is a lot more dull now… because as its rightly said , “ Your childhood never comes back .”  If you ask me today , I can give anything to go back to those moments, those years .

 

I was happy to see that I was not the only one going to school. There were many children going into that building. Some were happy, some were not so happy, some were confused like me and many more. Suddenly my attention was attracted by one very different thing. I noticed that all the girls there were wearing the same frock, as me, and….and …… even the same shoes!! Why???? I still remember that I started feeling infuriated. What is all this? How does this system work? How could so many children wear the same kind of frock? and so on. But I just kept quiet at that moment and decided to get my queries cleared with mom and dad afterwards.

 

All the children were making a line to go in. Then it was my turn to move. All of a sudden I  started feeling scared. I was holding my dad’s hand tightly and I did not want to leave it. I felt that the world is conspiring against me and my parents are also involved in it !! Somehow I managed to walk to the gate and I could not believe when my dad tried to hand me to the nanny standing there. I felt cheated as I didn’t know that lady at all and my dad was asking me to go with her inside the school all alone…yes…all alone.

 

All kinds of thoughts clouded my little and delicate mind, were they going to leave me there? Did I do something wrong? Was it because I ate all the chocolates and did not throw the wrappers in the dustbin or because I did not finish my food? I stressed myself a lot but could not find anything for which I was getting a severe kind of punishment .

 

My eyes were clouded with tears, I was feeling sad deep inside my heart. I wanted to shout that I wanted to go home and be with my mom and dad all day. But I had to go inside that pale yellow building.

 

I didn’t want to be there, I hated ‘SCHOOL’.

 

My parents were making all possible efforts to convince me to go inside the school. They told me about the beautiful toys that I would be getting and the new friends that were waiting for me. They told me that they would be waiting for me here only, right outside the school gate and would be taking me to the ice-cream parlor to buy me my favorite ice-cream. I believed them as they never lied to me. So finally I entered the school as there was no other option left for me. With a very heavy heart, I asked my dad to promise me to be there till I came back. As I moved inside the premises, I kept turning back again and again just to reassure myself that they were there. My parents kept on waving to me with a big smile on their faces. I had full faith in my dad that he would keep his promise and I went inside the whole ‘New world’ called school with the nanny.

 

Four hours later

 

I packed my bag and was ready to run outside and meet my parents. I was so happy and so excited. My day was great. School was not that bad as I thought. I had many new toys to play and many new friends . I made two new friends.

 

I was so happy and excited and wanted to share everything with my mom and dad. I wanted to tell them about my classroom and the fruit shaped benches , I also wanted to tell them about the movie they showed us in the big auditorium and so much more.

 

As soon as the bell rang, I ran to the gate and saw my parents standing there waiting for me. They had kept their promise. They were standing there where I left them in the morning, waving at me. When I reached there, my dad hugged me tightly. I could feel the anxiety that he went through when I was in school. I kissed my parents and we headed to the ice-cream parlour to have my favourite ice-cream.

 

Present

 

Suddenly I returned to the present as I saw my daughter running towards me with same kind of feelings that I had. I realized that I had been standing there at one place for last four hours. She was looking too happy and I knew that she had many things to share with me. I welcomed her with open arms and hugged her tightly.

 

Now I just evaluated myself that everything, everything that I had blamed my parents for, on that bright day, I did the same. I handed my daughter to the unknown person in the same way, my parents handed me that day. I know what I was feeling. But right now, seeing my daughter walk away, promising her the same thing what my dad promised me, I finally understood how my parents must have felt when they sent me to school for the very first time. Now I could feel the pain behind the big smiles of my parents that day when they waved to me as I was also giving the same smile to my daughter who was entering the whole new world. My heart was also very heavy. Everything was same, just as it was years ago, nothing has changed.

 

I could feel it. But today being a parent I also know the importance of sending my little girl out in the world for the first time today. I am excited as she is going to experience the whole new set of new things. She is going to start her life, just like I did and would soon become an independent and confident individual, ready to face the world. I realized that I did exactly the same things that my parents did for me as bought her a beautiful new bag, new tiffin, new shoes and so on. I tried to make her comfortable in all the possible ways.

 

Standing there at the school gate, with my daughter in my arms, I relived my parents’ life. I learnt the most important lesson of my life that when we are young and have all together different life, full of adventure, thrill and what not. At that time when our parents say something to us in any way, maybe in a form of advice, suggestion or just a remark, we just love to take it in a negative way, ignoring the fact that they are the only ones who can never think bad for us and their only motto in life is our happiness. We just love to do opposite of it and continue to do the same unless we go through those moments ourselves. Only then we realized that how right were they. Same thing happened to me also, until and unless I experienced those moments of my daughter on her first day to school as how could one feel as a parent in that particular situation. We should understand their feelings because it is better to be late than never. I learnt to give respect to my parents and their decisions and emotions.

 

                                         UNDERSTANDING THEM

 

6th April 2018, I am standing at the school gate with my little daughter convincing her to go inside that unknown world for her. It was her first day of the school and she was in no mood to enter the school premises. I could see all shades of emotions on her face. As a nanny comes to me and takes my daughter inside the school, I just keep looking at her little fragile form. I was trying to imagine everything that she was going through. Suddenly I find myself travelling down the memory lane, all those years ago, when I went to school for the first time.

 

I could still feel the moment as if it was yesterday only. It’s like déjà vu. I could still feel the goose bumps as everything came alive in front of my eyes. I was back to 4th April 1993 , I still remember that it was a Monday. I can still feel how much I dreaded that day… at least when it started. I was just a small baby of three years, unaware of the world around me because my complete world was in my house with my mom and dad. I used to follow my mother where ever she went. She used to laughingly call me her shadow… but I loved that. I could not imagine even a minute without my parents. And their lives also revolved around me. It was always just the three of us and my home was the happiest place for me. It was where I felt the safest.

 

But that day was quite different.

 

I got up little early that day, I could practically hear the elation and enthusiasm in my parents’ voice through the walls. I was confused, I didn’t know why, but my stomach was in knots as I could not believe what I heard. I was shocked to hear what my parents were talking about. I tried to strain myself rightly to what I was listening. They were sounding excited, but were pretty worried as well, as they talked about sending me to “school” for the first time. I heard the word ‘SCHOOL’ for the first time.  ‘What is school?’ I had never been there… and why were my parents planning to send me there. Will they come along too? Is it like some new picnic spot or what?  My little mind was unable to analyze the situation. I felt totally lost. I also felt a little vulnerable. My dad, who loved me the most, was not sure as how his little princess would be at school alone. I could clearly feel the anxiety and worry in his voice as he talked about the new atmosphere and new people that I would be meeting there. If he was not sure, then how could I be? But my mother was quiet confident of me. She was making all her efforts to convince my father that I would be happy and it would be an exciting day for me there and I would also love the new environment. I was in a state of turmoil as that was the first time when I heard my parents having different opinions on the same situation. I became more dithered.

 

I decided to keep laying in the bed and waited for my parents to wake me up. Soon, I heard my mother calling me very sweetly. She was looking very zealous and excited. She picked me up and helped me in getting dressed. Her voice was full of impetuosity as she talked about that place called ‘School’. She kept on telling me different stories about her school days, her first day at school, then how she started just loving her school , she also told me a lot about the friends she made and the teachers she met. I could sense her attempt to make me as comfortable as possible. She just kept on telling all good things about school to me.  I didn’t know how to react , I wanted to be happy for her , but I didn’t really understand what should I be happy about actually?.they were going to leave me alone in a new place , why would I be happy? I was in a state of total confusion. Me and my parents had always been together since the day I was born, be it going for a movie, picnic, shopping or dinner. Then why was I alone to be sent to school. I had already started hating the name ‘School’.

 

My mother kept talking about my new school, as how I would be enjoying there with all new toys, friends, teachers etc. She told me about the various activities that I would be doing over there. She also told me about the swimming pool in my school , she was so elated about that part because she knew I loved playing in water. Though my mother was making all efforts to convince me but still I had the feeling of skepticism as I was not able to find a single reason, of me, going to school. The only thing which was making me little happy was my new pink frock as I liked it very much , my mother even pinned a handkerchief to it. I was also given a new bag, new bottle and new black shoes. My mother kept my favorite French fries in my new lunch box. I got ready and looked in the mirror , I was looking quite beautiful with my two ponytails.

 

We headed towards the school. I was sitting on my mother’s lap, still puzzled. My parents kept saying all good things to me. They were trying their level best to motivate me. I was perplexed with my parents’ behavior as to what I was supposed to feel, anxiety and worry that I saw in their behavior in the morning or the happiness and excitement that they were showing then. I was looking at their faces and was trying to read their hearts to get the true picture of what exactly were they feeling. I could feel their anxiousness, nervousness but also their gaiety. I could usually feel exactly how they felt. But that day I was really confused. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. Then finally I calmed myself and prepared myself to face the situation. I decided to take the day as it came because there was no escaping it. Then I felt little composed.

 

Two hours later

 

We were standing at the gate of a very big building. It was white, yellow, green and two more colours that I didn’t know neither was I interested in knowing. My parents started praising it with great zeal and enthusiasm. I just stared at the building for a while and found that my heart filled with a little ecstasy. With the little knowledge of words that I had, I could make out that it was some ‘A-B-C P-L-A-Y S-C-H-O-O-L’ I could only read the letters, I didn’t know what it said.  Everything was new for me. My mother helped me to carry my new bag on my shoulders and put my water bottle around my neck. Suddenly I started feeling big and responsible as it was my first time carrying a bag and a bottle all by my own.

 

But now when I think about it, I really want to go back and live those days again. I don't feel that exhilaration of being an adult now. In fact life is a lot more dull now… because as its rightly said , “ Your childhood never comes back .”  If you ask me today , I can give anything to go back to those moments, those years .

 

I was happy to see that I was not the only one going to school. There were many children going into that building. Some were happy, some were not so happy, some were confused like me and many more. Suddenly my attention was attracted by one very different thing. I noticed that all the girls there were wearing the same frock, as me, and….and …… even the same shoes!! Why???? I still remember that I started feeling infuriated. What is all this? How does this system work? How could so many children wear the same kind of frock? and so on. But I just kept quiet at that moment and decided to get my queries cleared with mom and dad afterwards.

 

All the children were making a line to go in. Then it was my turn to move. All of a sudden I  started feeling scared. I was holding my dad’s hand tightly and I did not want to leave it. I felt that the world is conspiring against me and my parents are also involved in it !! Somehow I managed to walk to the gate and I could not believe when my dad tried to hand me to the nanny standing there. I felt cheated as I didn’t know that lady at all and my dad was asking me to go with her inside the school all alone…yes…all alone.

 

All kinds of thoughts clouded my little and delicate mind, were they going to leave me there? Did I do something wrong? Was it because I ate all the chocolates and did not throw the wrappers in the dustbin or because I did not finish my food? I stressed myself a lot but could not find anything for which I was getting a severe kind of punishment .

 

My eyes were clouded with tears, I was feeling sad deep inside my heart. I wanted to shout that I wanted to go home and be with my mom and dad all day. But I had to go inside that pale yellow building.

 

I didn’t want to be there, I hated ‘SCHOOL’.

 

My parents were making all possible efforts to convince me to go inside the school. They told me about the beautiful toys that I would be getting and the new friends that were waiting for me. They told me that they would be waiting for me here only, right outside the school gate and would be taking me to the ice-cream parlor to buy me my favorite ice-cream. I believed them as they never lied to me. So finally I entered the school as there was no other option left for me. With a very heavy heart, I asked my dad to promise me to be there till I came back. As I moved inside the premises, I kept turning back again and again just to reassure myself that they were there. My parents kept on waving to me with a big smile on their faces. I had full faith in my dad that he would keep his promise and I went inside the whole ‘New world’ called school with the nanny.

 

Four hours later

 

I packed my bag and was ready to run outside and meet my parents. I was so happy and so excited. My day was great. School was not that bad as I thought. I had many new toys to play and many new friends . I made two new friends.

 

I was so happy and excited and wanted to share everything with my mom and dad. I wanted to tell them about my classroom and the fruit shaped benches , I also wanted to tell them about the movie they showed us in the big auditorium and so much more.

 

As soon as the bell rang, I ran to the gate and saw my parents standing there waiting for me. They had kept their promise. They were standing there where I left them in the morning, waving at me. When I reached there, my dad hugged me tightly. I could feel the anxiety that he went through when I was in school. I kissed my parents and we headed to the ice-cream parlour to have my favourite ice-cream.

 

Present

 

Suddenly I returned to the present as I saw my daughter running towards me with same kind of feelings that I had. I realized that I had been standing there at one place for last four hours. She was looking too happy and I knew that she had many things to share with me. I welcomed her with open arms and hugged her tightly.

 

Now I just evaluated myself that everything, everything that I had blamed my parents for, on that bright day, I did the same. I handed my daughter to the unknown person in the same way, my parents handed me that day. I know what I was feeling. But right now, seeing my daughter walk away, promising her the same thing what my dad promised me, I finally understood how my parents must have felt when they sent me to school for the very first time. Now I could feel the pain behind the big smiles of my parents that day when they waved to me as I was also giving the same smile to my daughter who was entering the whole new world. My heart was also very heavy. Everything was same, just as it was years ago, nothing has changed.

 

I could feel it. But today being a parent I also know the importance of sending my little girl out in the world for the first time today. I am excited as she is going to experience the whole new set of new things. She is going to start her life, just like I did and would soon become an independent and confident individual, ready to face the world. I realized that I did exactly the same things that my parents did for me as bought her a beautiful new bag, new tiffin, new shoes and so on. I tried to make her comfortable in all the possible ways.

 

Standing there at the school gate, with my daughter in my arms, I relived my parents’ life. I learnt the most important lesson of my life that when we are young and have all together different life, full of adventure, thrill and what not. At that time when our parents say something to us in any way, maybe in a form of advice, suggestion or just a remark, we just love to take it in a negative way, ignoring the fact that they are the only ones who can never think bad for us and their only motto in life is our happiness. We just love to do opposite of it and continue to do the same unless we go through those moments ourselves. Only then we realized that how right were they. Same thing happened to me also, until and unless I experienced those moments of my daughter on her first day to school as how could one feel as a parent in that particular situation. We should understand their feelings because it is better to be late than never. I learnt to give respect to my parents and their decisions and emotions.

 

                                         UNDERSTANDING THEM

 

6th April 2018, I am standing at the school gate with my little daughter convincing her to go inside that unknown world for her. It was her first day of the school and she was in no mood to enter the school premises. I could see all shades of emotions on her face. As a nanny comes to me and takes my daughter inside the school, I just keep looking at her little fragile form. I was trying to imagine everything that she was going through. Suddenly I find myself travelling down the memory lane, all those years ago, when I went to school for the first time.

 

I could still feel the moment as if it was yesterday only. It’s like déjà vu. I could still feel the goose bumps as everything came alive in front of my eyes. I was back to 4th April 1993 , I still remember that it was a Monday. I can still feel how much I dreaded that day… at least when it started. I was just a small baby of three years, unaware of the world around me because my complete world was in my house with my mom and dad. I used to follow my mother where ever she went. She used to laughingly call me her shadow… but I loved that. I could not imagine even a minute without my parents. And their lives also revolved around me. It was always just the three of us and my home was the happiest place for me. It was where I felt the safest.

 

But that day was quite different.

 

I got up little early that day, I could practically hear the elation and enthusiasm in my parents’ voice through the walls. I was confused, I didn’t know why, but my stomach was in knots as I could not believe what I heard. I was shocked to hear what my parents were talking about. I tried to strain myself rightly to what I was listening. They were sounding excited, but were pretty worried as well, as they talked about sending me to “school” for the first time. I heard the word ‘SCHOOL’ for the first time.  ‘What is school?’ I had never been there… and why were my parents planning to send me there. Will they come along too? Is it like some new picnic spot or what?  My little mind was unable to analyze the situation. I felt totally lost. I also felt a little vulnerable. My dad, who loved me the most, was not sure as how his little princess would be at school alone. I could clearly feel the anxiety and worry in his voice as he talked about the new atmosphere and new people that I would be meeting there. If he was not sure, then how could I be? But my mother was quiet confident of me. She was making all her efforts to convince my father that I would be happy and it would be an exciting day for me there and I would also love the new environment. I was in a state of turmoil as that was the first time when I heard my parents having different opinions on the same situation. I became more dithered.

 

I decided to keep laying in the bed and waited for my parents to wake me up. Soon, I heard my mother calling me very sweetly. She was looking very zealous and excited. She picked me up and helped me in getting dressed. Her voice was full of impetuosity as she talked about that place called ‘School’. She kept on telling me different stories about her school days, her first day at school, then how she started just loving her school , she also told me a lot about the friends she made and the teachers she met. I could sense her attempt to make me as comfortable as possible. She just kept on telling all good things about school to me.  I didn’t know how to react , I wanted to be happy for her , but I didn’t really understand what should I be happy about actually?.they were going to leave me alone in a new place , why would I be happy? I was in a state of total confusion. Me and my parents had always been together since the day I was born, be it going for a movie, picnic, shopping or dinner. Then why was I alone to be sent to school. I had already started hating the name ‘School’.

 

My mother kept talking about my new school, as how I would be enjoying there with all new toys, friends, teachers etc. She told me about the various activities that I would be doing over there. She also told me about the swimming pool in my school , she was so elated about that part because she knew I loved playing in water. Though my mother was making all efforts to convince me but still I had the feeling of skepticism as I was not able to find a single reason, of me, going to school. The only thing which was making me little happy was my new pink frock as I liked it very much , my mother even pinned a handkerchief to it. I was also given a new bag, new bottle and new black shoes. My mother kept my favorite French fries in my new lunch box. I got ready and looked in the mirror , I was looking quite beautiful with my two ponytails.

 

We headed towards the school. I was sitting on my mother’s lap, still puzzled. My parents kept saying all good things to me. They were trying their level best to motivate me. I was perplexed with my parents’ behavior as to what I was supposed to feel, anxiety and worry that I saw in their behavior in the morning or the happiness and excitement that they were showing then. I was looking at their faces and was trying to read their hearts to get the true picture of what exactly were they feeling. I could feel their anxiousness, nervousness but also their gaiety. I could usually feel exactly how they felt. But that day I was really confused. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. Then finally I calmed myself and prepared myself to face the situation. I decided to take the day as it came because there was no escaping it. Then I felt little composed.

 

Two hours later

 

We were standing at the gate of a very big building. It was white, yellow, green and two more colours that I didn’t know neither was I interested in knowing. My parents started praising it with great zeal and enthusiasm. I just stared at the building for a while and found that my heart filled with a little ecstasy. With the little knowledge of words that I had, I could make out that it was some ‘A-B-C P-L-A-Y S-C-H-O-O-L’ I could only read the letters, I didn’t know what it said.  Everything was new for me. My mother helped me to carry my new bag on my shoulders and put my water bottle around my neck. Suddenly I started feeling big and responsible as it was my first time carrying a bag and a bottle all by my own.

 

But now when I think about it, I really want to go back and live those days again. I don't feel that exhilaration of being an adult now. In fact life is a lot more dull now… because as its rightly said , “ Your childhood never comes back .”  If you ask me today , I can give anything to go back to those moments, those years .

 

I was happy to see that I was not the only one going to school. There were many children going into that building. Some were happy, some were not so happy, some were confused like me and many more. Suddenly my attention was attracted by one very different thing. I noticed that all the girls there were wearing the same frock, as me, and….and …… even the same shoes!! Why???? I still remember that I started feeling infuriated. What is all this? How does this system work? How could so many children wear the same kind of frock? and so on. But I just kept quiet at that moment and decided to get my queries cleared with mom and dad afterwards.

 

All the children were making a line to go in. Then it was my turn to move. All of a sudden I  started feeling scared. I was holding my dad’s hand tightly and I did not want to leave it. I felt that the world is conspiring against me and my parents are also involved in it !! Somehow I managed to walk to the gate and I could not believe when my dad tried to hand me to the nanny standing there. I felt cheated as I didn’t know that lady at all and my dad was asking me to go with her inside the school all alone…yes…all alone.

 

All kinds of thoughts clouded my little and delicate mind, were they going to leave me there? Did I do something wrong? Was it because I ate all the chocolates and did not throw the wrappers in the dustbin or because I did not finish my food? I stressed myself a lot but could not find anything for which I was getting a severe kind of punishment .

 

My eyes were clouded with tears, I was feeling sad deep inside my heart. I wanted to shout that I wanted to go home and be with my mom and dad all day. But I had to go inside that pale yellow building.

 

I didn’t want to be there, I hated ‘SCHOOL’.

 

My parents were making all possible efforts to convince me to go inside the school. They told me about the beautiful toys that I would be getting and the new friends that were waiting for me. They told me that they would be waiting for me here only, right outside the school gate and would be taking me to the ice-cream parlor to buy me my favorite ice-cream. I believed them as they never lied to me. So finally I entered the school as there was no other option left for me. With a very heavy heart, I asked my dad to promise me to be there till I came back. As I moved inside the premises, I kept turning back again and again just to reassure myself that they were there. My parents kept on waving to me with a big smile on their faces. I had full faith in my dad that he would keep his promise and I went inside the whole ‘New world’ called school with the nanny.

 

Four hours later

 

I packed my bag and was ready to run outside and meet my parents. I was so happy and so excited. My day was great. School was not that bad as I thought. I had many new toys to play and many new friends . I made two new friends.

 

I was so happy and excited and wanted to share everything with my mom and dad. I wanted to tell them about my classroom and the fruit shaped benches , I also wanted to tell them about the movie they showed us in the big auditorium and so much more.

 

As soon as the bell rang, I ran to the gate and saw my parents standing there waiting for me. They had kept their promise. They were standing there where I left them in the morning, waving at me. When I reached there, my dad hugged me tightly. I could feel the anxiety that he went through when I was in school. I kissed my parents and we headed to the ice-cream parlour to have my favourite ice-cream.

 

Present

 

Suddenly I returned to the present as I saw my daughter running towards me with same kind of feelings that I had. I realized that I had been standing there at one place for last four hours. She was looking too happy and I knew that she had many things to share with me. I welcomed her with open arms and hugged her tightly.

 

Now I just evaluated myself that everything, everything that I had blamed my parents for, on that bright day, I did the same. I handed my daughter to the unknown person in the same way, my parents handed me that day. I know what I was feeling. But right now, seeing my daughter walk away, promising her the same thing what my dad promised me, I finally understood how my parents must have felt when they sent me to school for the very first time. Now I could feel the pain behind the big smiles of my parents that day when they waved to me as I was also giving the same smile to my daughter who was entering the whole new world. My heart was also very heavy. Everything was same, just as it was years ago, nothing has changed.

 

I could feel it. But today being a parent I also know the importance of sending my little girl out in the world for the first time today. I am excited as she is going to experience the whole new set of new things. She is going to start her life, just like I did and would soon become an independent and confident individual, ready to face the world. I realized that I did exactly the same things that my parents did for me as bought her a beautiful new bag, new tiffin, new shoes and so on. I tried to make her comfortable in all the possible ways.

 

Standing there at the school gate, with my daughter in my arms, I relived my parents’ life. I learnt the most important lesson of my life that when we are young and have all together different life, full of adventure, thrill and what not. At that time when our parents say something to us in any way, maybe in a form of advice, suggestion or just a remark, we just love to take it in a negative way, ignoring the fact that they are the only ones who can never think bad for us and their only motto in life is our happiness. We just love to do opposite of it and continue to do the same unless we go through those moments ourselves. Only then we realized that how right were they. Same thing happened to me also, until and unless I experienced those moments of my daughter on her first day to school as how could one feel as a parent in that particular situation. We should understand their feelings because it is better to be late than never. I learnt to give respect to my parents and their decisions and emotions.

 

                                         UNDERSTANDING THEM

 

6th April 2018, I am standing at the school gate with my little daughter convincing her to go inside that unknown world for her. It was her first day of the school and she was in no mood to enter the school premises. I could see all shades of emotions on her face. As a nanny comes to me and takes my daughter inside the school, I just keep looking at her little fragile form. I was trying to imagine everything that she was going through. Suddenly I find myself travelling down the memory lane, all those years ago, when I went to school for the first time.

 

I could still feel the moment as if it was yesterday only. It’s like déjà vu. I could still feel the goose bumps as everything came alive in front of my eyes. I was back to 4th April 1993 , I still remember that it was a Monday. I can still feel how much I dreaded that day… at least when it started. I was just a small baby of three years, unaware of the world around me because my complete world was in my house with my mom and dad. I used to follow my mother where ever she went. She used to laughingly call me her shadow… but I loved that. I could not imagine even a minute without my parents. And their lives also revolved around me. It was always just the three of us and my home was the happiest place for me. It was where I felt the safest.

 

But that day was quite different.

 

I got up little early that day, I could practically hear the elation and enthusiasm in my parents’ voice through the walls. I was confused, I didn’t know why, but my stomach was in knots as I could not believe what I heard. I was shocked to hear what my parents were talking about. I tried to strain myself rightly to what I was listening. They were sounding excited, but were pretty worried as well, as they talked about sending me to “school” for the first time. I heard the word ‘SCHOOL’ for the first time.  ‘What is school?’ I had never been there… and why were my parents planning to send me there. Will they come along too? Is it like some new picnic spot or what?  My little mind was unable to analyze the situation. I felt totally lost. I also felt a little vulnerable. My dad, who loved me the most, was not sure as how his little princess would be at school alone. I could clearly feel the anxiety and worry in his voice as he talked about the new atmosphere and new people that I would be meeting there. If he was not sure, then how could I be? But my mother was quiet confident of me. She was making all her efforts to convince my father that I would be happy and it would be an exciting day for me there and I would also love the new environment. I was in a state of turmoil as that was the first time when I heard my parents having different opinions on the same situation. I became more dithered.

 

I decided to keep laying in the bed and waited for my parents to wake me up. Soon, I heard my mother calling me very sweetly. She was looking very zealous and excited. She picked me up and helped me in getting dressed. Her voice was full of impetuosity as she talked about that place called ‘School’. She kept on telling me different stories about her school days, her first day at school, then how she started just loving her school , she also told me a lot about the friends she made and the teachers she met. I could sense her attempt to make me as comfortable as possible. She just kept on telling all good things about school to me.  I didn’t know how to react , I wanted to be happy for her , but I didn’t really understand what should I be happy about actually?.they were going to leave me alone in a new place , why would I be happy? I was in a state of total confusion. Me and my parents had always been together since the day I was born, be it going for a movie, picnic, shopping or dinner. Then why was I alone to be sent to school. I had already started hating the name ‘School’.

 

My mother kept talking about my new school, as how I would be enjoying there with all new toys, friends, teachers etc. She told me about the various activities that I would be doing over there. She also told me about the swimming pool in my school , she was so elated about that part because she knew I loved playing in water. Though my mother was making all efforts to convince me but still I had the feeling of skepticism as I was not able to find a single reason, of me, going to school. The only thing which was making me little happy was my new pink frock as I liked it very much , my mother even pinned a handkerchief to it. I was also given a new bag, new bottle and new black shoes. My mother kept my favorite French fries in my new lunch box. I got ready and looked in the mirror , I was looking quite beautiful with my two ponytails.

 

We headed towards the school. I was sitting on my mother’s lap, still puzzled. My parents kept saying all good things to me. They were trying their level best to motivate me. I was perplexed with my parents’ behavior as to what I was supposed to feel, anxiety and worry that I saw in their behavior in the morning or the happiness and excitement that they were showing then. I was looking at their faces and was trying to read their hearts to get the true picture of what exactly were they feeling. I could feel their anxiousness, nervousness but also their gaiety. I could usually feel exactly how they felt. But that day I was really confused. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. Then finally I calmed myself and prepared myself to face the situation. I decided to take the day as it came because there was no escaping it. Then I felt little composed.

 

Two hours later

 

We were standing at the gate of a very big building. It was white, yellow, green and two more colours that I didn’t know neither was I interested in knowing. My parents started praising it with great zeal and enthusiasm. I just stared at the building for a while and found that my heart filled with a little ecstasy. With the little knowledge of words that I had, I could make out that it was some ‘A-B-C P-L-A-Y S-C-H-O-O-L’ I could only read the letters, I didn’t know what it said.  Everything was new for me. My mother helped me to carry my new bag on my shoulders and put my water bottle around my neck. Suddenly I started feeling big and responsible as it was my first time carrying a bag and a bottle all by my own.

 

But now when I think about it, I really want to go back and live those days again. I don't feel that exhilaration of being an adult now. In fact life is a lot more dull now… because as its rightly said , “ Your childhood never comes back .”  If you ask me today , I can give anything to go back to those moments, those years .

 

I was happy to see that I was not the only one going to school. There were many children going into that building. Some were happy, some were not so happy, some were confused like me and many more. Suddenly my attention was attracted by one very different thing. I noticed that all the girls there were wearing the same frock, as me, and….and …… even the same shoes!! Why???? I still remember that I started feeling infuriated. What is all this? How does this system work? How could so many children wear the same kind of frock? and so on. But I just kept quiet at that moment and decided to get my queries cleared with mom and dad afterwards.

 

All the children were making a line to go in. Then it was my turn to move. All of a sudden I  started feeling scared. I was holding my dad’s hand tightly and I did not want to leave it. I felt that the world is conspiring against me and my parents are also involved in it !! Somehow I managed to walk to the gate and I could not believe when my dad tried to hand me to the nanny standing there. I felt cheated as I didn’t know that lady at all and my dad was asking me to go with her inside the school all alone…yes…all alone.

 

All kinds of thoughts clouded my little and delicate mind, were they going to leave me there? Did I do something wrong? Was it because I ate all the chocolates and did not throw the wrappers in the dustbin or because I did not finish my food? I stressed myself a lot but could not find anything for which I was getting a severe kind of punishment .

 

My eyes were clouded with tears, I was feeling sad deep inside my heart. I wanted to shout that I wanted to go home and be with my mom and dad all day. But I had to go inside that pale yellow building.

 

I didn’t want to be there, I hated ‘SCHOOL’.

 

My parents were making all possible efforts to convince me to go inside the school. They told me about the beautiful toys that I would be getting and the new friends that were waiting for me. They told me that they would be waiting for me here only, right outside the school gate and would be taking me to the ice-cream parlor to buy me my favorite ice-cream. I believed them as they never lied to me. So finally I entered the school as there was no other option left for me. With a very heavy heart, I asked my dad to promise me to be there till I came back. As I moved inside the premises, I kept turning back again and again just to reassure myself that they were there. My parents kept on waving to me with a big smile on their faces. I had full faith in my dad that he would keep his promise and I went inside the whole ‘New world’ called school with the nanny.

 

Four hours later

 

I packed my bag and was ready to run outside and meet my parents. I was so happy and so excited. My day was great. School was not that bad as I thought. I had many new toys to play and many new friends . I made two new friends.

 

I was so happy and excited and wanted to share everything with my mom and dad. I wanted to tell them about my classroom and the fruit shaped benches , I also wanted to tell them about the movie they showed us in the big auditorium and so much more.

 

As soon as the bell rang, I ran to the gate and saw my parents standing there waiting for me. They had kept their promise. They were standing there where I left them in the morning, waving at me. When I reached there, my dad hugged me tightly. I could feel the anxiety that he went through when I was in school. I kissed my parents and we headed to the ice-cream parlour to have my favourite ice-cream.

 

Present

 

Suddenly I returned to the present as I saw my daughter running towards me with same kind of feelings that I had. I realized that I had been standing there at one place for last four hours. She was looking too happy and I knew that she had many things to share with me. I welcomed her with open arms and hugged her tightly.

 

Now I just evaluated myself that everything, everything that I had blamed my parents for, on that bright day, I did the same. I handed my daughter to the unknown person in the same way, my parents handed me that day. I know what I was feeling. But right now, seeing my daughter walk away, promising her the same thing what my dad promised me, I finally understood how my parents must have felt when they sent me to school for the very first time. Now I could feel the pain behind the big smiles of my parents that day when they waved to me as I was also giving the same smile to my daughter who was entering the whole new world. My heart was also very heavy. Everything was same, just as it was years ago, nothing has changed.

 

I could feel it. But today being a parent I also know the importance of sending my little girl out in the world for the first time today. I am excited as she is going to experience the whole new set of new things. She is going to start her life, just like I did and would soon become an independent and confident individual, ready to face the world. I realized that I did exactly the same things that my parents did for me as bought her a beautiful new bag, new tiffin, new shoes and so on. I tried to make her comfortable in all the possible ways.

 

Standing there at the school gate, with my daughter in my arms, I relived my parents’ life. I learnt the most important lesson of my life that when we are young and have all together different life, full of adventure, thrill and what not. At that time when our parents say something to us in any way, maybe in a form of advice, suggestion or just a remark, we just love to take it in a negative way, ignoring the fact that they are the only ones who can never think bad for us and their only motto in life is our happiness. We just love to do opposite of it and continue to do the same unless we go through those moments ourselves. Only then we realized that how right were they. Same thing happened to me also, until and unless I experienced those moments of my daughter on her first day to school as how could one feel as a parent in that particular situation. We should understand their feelings because it is better to be late than never. I learnt to give respect to my parents and their decisions and emotions.

 

 

 

 

 

                                         UNDERSTANDING THEM

 

6th April 2018, I am standing at the school gate with my little daughter convincing her to go inside that unknown world for her. It was her first day of the school and she was in no mood to enter the school premises. I could see all shades of emotions on her face. As a nanny comes to me and takes my daughter inside the school, I just keep looking at her little fragile form. I was trying to imagine everything that she was going through. Suddenly I find myself travelling down the memory lane, all those years ago, when I went to school for the first time.

 

I could still feel the moment as if it was yesterday only. It’s like déjà vu. I could still feel the goose bumps as everything came alive in front of my eyes. I was back to 4th April 1993 , I still remember that it was a Monday. I can still feel how much I dreaded that day… at least when it started. I was just a small baby of three years, unaware of the world around me because my complete world was in my house with my mom and dad. I used to follow my mother where ever she went. She used to laughingly call me her shadow… but I loved that. I could not imagine even a minute without my parents. And their lives also revolved around me. It was always just the three of us and my home was the happiest place for me. It was where I felt the safest.

 

But that day was quite different.

 

I got up little early that day, I could practically hear the elation and enthusiasm in my parents’ voice through the walls. I was confused, I didn’t know why, but my stomach was in knots as I could not believe what I heard. I was shocked to hear what my parents were talking about. I tried to strain myself rightly to what I was listening. They were sounding excited, but were pretty worried as well, as they talked about sending me to “school” for the first time. I heard the word ‘SCHOOL’ for the first time.  ‘What is school?’ I had never been there… and why were my parents planning to send me there. Will they come along too? Is it like some new picnic spot or what?  My little mind was unable to analyze the situation. I felt totally lost. I also felt a little vulnerable. My dad, who loved me the most, was not sure as how his little princess would be at school alone. I could clearly feel the anxiety and worry in his voice as he talked about the new atmosphere and new people that I would be meeting there. If he was not sure, then how could I be? But my mother was quiet confident of me. She was making all her efforts to convince my father that I would be happy and it would be an exciting day for me there and I would also love the new environment. I was in a state of turmoil as that was the first time when I heard my parents having different opinions on the same situation. I became more dithered.

 

I decided to keep laying in the bed and waited for my parents to wake me up. Soon, I heard my mother calling me very sweetly. She was looking very zealous and excited. She picked me up and helped me in getting dressed. Her voice was full of impetuosity as she talked about that place called ‘School’. She kept on telling me different stories about her school days, her first day at school, then how she started just loving her school , she also told me a lot about the friends she made and the teachers she met. I could sense her attempt to make me as comfortable as possible. She just kept on telling all good things about school to me.  I didn’t know how to react , I wanted to be happy for her , but I didn’t really understand what should I be happy about actually?.they were going to leave me alone in a new place , why would I be happy? I was in a state of total confusion. Me and my parents had always been together since the day I was born, be it going for a movie, picnic, shopping or dinner. Then why was I alone to be sent to school. I had already started hating the name ‘School’.

 

My mother kept talking about my new school, as how I would be enjoying there with all new toys, friends, teachers etc. She told me about the various activities that I would be doing over there. She also told me about the swimming pool in my school , she was so elated about that part because she knew I loved playing in water. Though my mother was making all efforts to convince me but still I had the feeling of skepticism as I was not able to find a single reason, of me, going to school. The only thing which was making me little happy was my new pink frock as I liked it very much , my mother even pinned a handkerchief to it. I was also given a new bag, new bottle and new black shoes. My mother kept my favorite French fries in my new lunch box. I got ready and looked in the mirror , I was looking quite beautiful with my two ponytails.

 

We headed towards the school. I was sitting on my mother’s lap, still puzzled. My parents kept saying all good things to me. They were trying their level best to motivate me. I was perplexed with my parents’ behavior as to what I was supposed to feel, anxiety and worry that I saw in their behavior in the morning or the happiness and excitement that they were showing then. I was looking at their faces and was trying to read their hearts to get the true picture of what exactly were they feeling. I could feel their anxiousness, nervousness but also their gaiety. I could usually feel exactly how they felt. But that day I was really confused. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. Then finally I calmed myself and prepared myself to face the situation. I decided to take the day as it came because there was no escaping it. Then I felt little composed.

 

Two hours later

 

We were standing at the gate of a very big building. It was white, yellow, green and two more colours that I didn’t know neither was I interested in knowing. My parents started praising it with great zeal and enthusiasm. I just stared at the building for a while and found that my heart filled with a little ecstasy. With the little knowledge of words that I had, I could make out that it was some ‘A-B-C P-L-A-Y S-C-H-O-O-L’ I could only read the letters, I didn’t know what it said.  Everything was new for me. My mother helped me to carry my new bag on my shoulders and put my water bottle around my neck. Suddenly I started feeling big and responsible as it was my first time carrying a bag and a bottle all by my own. 

 

But now when I think about it, I really want to go back and live those days again. I don't feel that exhilaration of being an adult now. In fact life is a lot more dull now… because as its rightly said , “ Your childhood never comes back .”  If you ask me today , I can give anything to go back to those moments, those years .

 

I was happy to see that I was not the only one going to school. There were many children going into that building. Some were happy, some were not so happy, some were confused like me and many more. Suddenly my attention was attracted by one very different thing. I noticed that all the girls there were wearing the same frock, as me, and….and …… even the same shoes!! Why???? I still remember that I started feeling infuriated. What is all this? How does this system work? How could so many children wear the same kind of frock? and so on. But I just kept quiet at that moment and decided to get my queries cleared with mom and dad afterwards.

 

All the children were making a line to go in. Then it was my turn to move. All of a sudden I  started feeling scared. I was holding my dad’s hand tightly and I did not want to leave it. I felt that the world is conspiring against me and my parents are also involved in it !! Somehow I managed to walk to the gate and I could not believe when my dad tried to hand me to the nanny standing there. I felt cheated as I didn’t know that lady at all and my dad was asking me to go with her inside the school all alone…yes…all alone.

 

All kinds of thoughts clouded my little and delicate mind, were they going to leave me there? Did I do something wrong? Was it because I ate all the chocolates and did not throw the wrappers in the dustbin or because I did not finish my food? I stressed myself a lot but could not find anything for which I was getting a severe kind of punishment .

 

My eyes were clouded with tears, I was feeling sad deep inside my heart. I wanted to shout that I wanted to go home and be with my mom and dad all day. But I had to go inside that pale yellow building.

 

I didn’t want to be there, I hated ‘SCHOOL’.

 

My parents were making all possible efforts to convince me to go inside the school. They told me about the beautiful toys that I would be getting and the new friends that were waiting for me. They told me that they would be waiting for me here only, right outside the school gate and would be taking me to the ice-cream parlor to buy me my favorite ice-cream. I believed them as they never lied to me. So finally I entered the school as there was no other option left for me. With a very heavy heart, I asked my dad to promise me to be there till I came back. As I moved inside the premises, I kept turning back again and again just to reassure myself that they were there. My parents kept on waving to me with a big smile on their faces. I had full faith in my dad that he would keep his promise and I went inside the whole ‘New world’ called school with the nanny. 

 

Four hours later

 

I packed my bag and was ready to run outside and meet my parents. I was so happy and so excited. My day was great. School was not that bad as I thought. I had many new toys to play and many new friends . I made two new friends.

 

I was so happy and excited and wanted to share everything with my mom and dad. I wanted to tell them about my classroom and the fruit shaped benches , I also wanted to tell them about the movie they showed us in the big auditorium and so much more.

 

As soon as the bell rang, I ran to the gate and saw my parents standing there waiting for me. They had kept their promise. They were standing there where I left them in the morning, waving at me. When I reached there, my dad hugged me tightly. I could feel the anxiety that he went through when I was in school. I kissed my parents and we headed to the ice-cream parlour to have my favourite ice-cream.

 

Present

 

Suddenly I returned to the present as I saw my daughter running towards me with same kind of feelings that I had. I realized that I had been standing there at one place for last four hours. She was looking too happy and I knew that she had many things to share with me. I welcomed her with open arms and hugged her tightly.

 

Now I just evaluated myself that everything, everything that I had blamed my parents for, on that bright day, I did the same. I handed my daughter to the unknown person in the same way, my parents handed me that day. I know what I was feeling. But right now, seeing my daughter walk away, promising her the same thing what my dad promised me, I finally understood how my parents must have felt when they sent me to school for the very first time. Now I could feel the pain behind the big smiles of my parents that day when they waved to me as I was also giving the same smile to my daughter who was entering the whole new world. My heart was also very heavy. Everything was same, just as it was years ago, nothing has changed.

 

I could feel it. But today being a parent I also know the importance of sending my little girl out in the world for the first time today. I am excited as she is going to experience the whole new set of new things. She is going to start her life, just like I did and would soon become an independent and confident individual, ready to face the world. I realized that I did exactly the same things that my parents did for me as bought her a beautiful new bag, new tiffin, new shoes and so on. I tried to make her comfortable in all the possible ways.

 

Standing there at the school gate, with my daughter in my arms, I relived my parents’ life. I learnt the most important lesson of my life that when we are young and have all together different life, full of adventure, thrill and what not. At that time when our parents say something to us in any way, maybe in a form of advice, suggestion or just a remark, we just love to take it in a negative way, ignoring the fact that they are the only ones who can never think bad for us and their only motto in life is our happiness. We just love to do opposite of it and continue to do the same unless we go through those moments ourselves. Only then we realized that how right were they. Same thing happened to me also, until and unless I experienced those moments of my daughter on her first day to school as how could one feel as a parent in that particular situation. We should understand their feelings because it is better to be late than never. I learnt to give respect to my parents and their decisions and emotions.