When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.
- Lao Tzu
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“It is a constant battle inside me...now that I know...I just don’t understand. You have put me in a position where I am not even sure about me as a person.....It feels like I don’t know myself. These thoughts, these conflicts make me feel like the most evil of man, someone who is doubtful of being able to keep all those promises; though the world will never know that it was you who kept me in the dark when I was making those promises. I seem to have lost the ability to apprehend what is right, and what is wrong. I have never been this restless in my life before. You could have just told me, Sia, keeping that trust that I would understand, you could have just told me.”
“I just wish that I could have been with you at this moment; near you.....I would have put my arms around you bringing you closer to me, to take you out of your fidgetiness, to calm you. Being on the other side of the phone, miles away from you, I just have my voice and all those feeling I truly hold for you; to comfort you. Perhaps the virtual embrace that has helped us best in our difficult times could work. Believe me when I say this; so many times I wanted to tell you, I just wanted to blurt out everything... Ansh, take that burden off my chest. But every time when I was on the verge of confronting you with the truth, I just couldn’t take the leap... for I thought I would fall and then I would lose you forever. And for someone who has become the world for you, even the most fragile thought of losing that person shakes you from within, the fear creates a vacuum inside like something is choking you and the only way out of that strangling air is to take a step back and let things be the way they are. To lie is a sin they say, but in this context, I consider my lie to be greater than all those moral truths because it has been my only hope to save something I value the most in my life, something I live for.”
“You didn’t lie to me.....you kept it hidden from me....which eventually has become a lie and though this lie of yours may have comforted you, it has completely devastated me. I used to say that I will always be there for you, no matter what; my love for you will always keep growing with every passing day and that was happening, our love was climbing stairs; until today. Today when I have come to know this truth about you, I am in a dilemma, I don't know if I will be able to handle this and this makes me think of me as a dubious person with a heart which is devoid of any commitment. I used to think that I am a true person but these sudden confusions have made me feel otherwise. Though the will to stay and to hold on is strong but the ground underneath me seems to slip away in this state of incertitude.”
While holding the phone to her ear, she takes a deep breath, clearly feeling that surging pain inside. There are tears in those eyes, filling up slowly; perhaps they will take a little longer to trickle down her cheeks. A sudden smile that speaks of disappointment and grief breaks out on her face as she breathes deeply again, the surging pain gets stronger inside; it is almost like she is holding down her breath not purposely but in the forgetfulness that has developed after the revelation and the way it has affected Ansh, her mind entirely clouded with the fear and pain as she stands on the verge of losing the most precious thing being expunged from the beautiful chapter of her life and those deep breaths are just for the sake of surviving; while the will to live tends to diminish as things become more obvious. “I know it was a big thing to hide, something that just felt wrong to me, now feels like a sin, knowing the way it has affected you. The constant battle that you are fighting now, I have been fighting it for the last one year. Being evasive has affected me more than it has affected you. Ever since we started talking and build a connection, things got more and more beautiful along the way, for the first time in my life I started feeling loved and cared for. That beautiful circle you created around us where everything felt so...so peaceful, so assuasive. I could just close my eyes, spread my arms and just let go knowing that you are there behind me, to catch me and that you will never let me fall. The sun had finally risen for me and ever since it had been shining; I just couldn’t let the clouds come and shroud this beautiful world of ours. I am not even close to feeling the way you are feeling, but I know you feel deceived and being lied to from the last one year by someone who is equally important to you the way you are important to me. At this moment there is only one thing I can tell you that to all the things that don't turn out to be the way you expect them to, you always have a choice of abandoning those things and moving on; do what you think is best for you.”
And this time the smile breaks out on his face, an obvious smile that spoke of something very obvious, he wipes the tear trickling down his cheek, “In the last one year, my definition of what’s best for me has kept getting smaller and smaller and now it is down to just one name and that’s Yours, so, to be honest, I don't know what will I be left with if I let go of you. There is this singular path that leads to you where I am standing now but I don't know how to proceed further; other than this I don't see any other path; I seem to have lost direction.’
While holding the phone to his ear, he turns his head and glances at a painting hanging on the wall to his right, “I am looking at the painting right now”
“The one of the valley you mean??” she sits down on a chair beside her.
He nods while taking a deep breath, “Yes!! I still remember the day when I told you about this dream of mine I had the night before, and you told me to paint it so that we can look at it every morning getting invigorated and strengthening our beliefs of making it come true one day.”
She nods with a smile on her face and at this moment the smile spoke of hope...“Yes!! ....Yes!!...I did”
“Why did you ask me to send you a picture of it....when!!!”.....he pauses for a while....”Why?”
“Coz I had developed this strong belief that one day we would live together and I would hang the painting in our bedroom; every morning after waking up I would walk up to it and touch it to feel that excitement with which you spoke to me about your dream……the beauty inside your heart with which you painted it……the painting is like a symbol to me Ansh….which has the power to remind me of our humble beginnings.
He nods, “It is the springtime of the year, the grass is beautifully green, a mattress in red and white checks laid out, there is some really fine wine and your special cheese sandwiches, I am lying down with my hands propped up against my head, looking at you while you are talking to me.”
“You really did capture my smile beautifully” there is a constant smile on her face now.
“Really!!.....you can see that smile, those fragile nuances of yours??” there is a tint of disbelief on his face.
She speaks after a pause with the smile fading away, “I feel it more. The fascination of the moment captured in that painting has helped me elude from the darkness of my world.”
He rests his back against the wall, “ The strength in you seems to amuse me and I wonder that how in this entire one year not even for once you let me have the slightest hint about the dark world you were living in; surrounded by utter darkness all around…yet you have always spoken of hope and light”
“That’s because only a person like me can understand the importance of light. I cannot deny that my life had been in darkness for a very long time but that was until I met you; after that, there has only been light”.......the tears have started trickling down her cheeks now, but strangely the pain seems to be lessening.
“I never thought I had the ability to become the light for someone and knowing the kind of importance I have in your life I don't know if I deserve this trust and confidence that you have on me. I wonder what made you trust me so much.”
She takes a deep breath…“It is my singular ability to perceive things and build perception about everything around me, makes me a better judge of people, places and everything else. My perceptions are not divided between what I see and what I hear, because I simply can’t see; so I only hear. And the fact that I do not have an eyesight does not weaken me rather it strengthens me and my senses. Eyes I believe can be deceiving at times but ears...they would never deceive you, they help you understand better and feel deeper. It does take some time to develop the ability but when you are left with just four of your senses, your ears become your primary sense and that’s when you start developing the ability to listen to every single sound around you and perceive the true meaning around them. I sometimes consider it to be a blessing that I don't have my eyesight coz they would have only clouded my judgment, I was just three years when I lost it and since then I believe that I have known this world better. The reason that I trust you so much is because... I know you more than anyone else in this world. Trust me when I say this Ansh…..just because I am blind, I see more clearly”
He takes a deep breath, “Don’t you want to see the world, the beautiful colors in it, the blue ocean, the green grass, the shining sun!!”
She shakes her head making the denying gesture, “No!!.... I don't need my eyes to see the world, I can see it through yours, if you will let me”........”you say you are on a path now from where you are not sure how to proceed...so what will you do now??.....will you go back??” the pain inside her has heightened but she has not let that show in her voice yet.
“You know, you are right!... If you would have told me about this on the brink of developing things between us, I wouldn’t have continued, I would have ignored you, maintained distance from you and eventually would have forgotten about you. This day would have never come, life would have been different for both of us. But then the ways of God have always been mysterious....we met and you decided not to tell me....so we build up the connection, got into a beautiful relationship, nurtured it along the way and today we are standing here when I come to know that you cannot see. Moments ago, to be very honest, it was a shock to me, I was in complete disbelief but since then I have been thinking, listening to you and I seem to have realized perhaps the most important truth of my life. It is said that the price of getting what you want is getting what you once wanted, at the price of wanting to be with you once I am getting to be with you now while developing the true meaning of our relationship and knowing that it has always been God’s plan to bring us together. You want me to become the only light in your dark world while for others I would just be one of those many lights they have in their life, you want to see the world through my eyes while others would want me to see it through theirs and this difference between you and others is not because you cannot see, it is because you have known me and understood me with a single perspective from deep within you, obliterating the whole world while doing that. I will show you the world through my eyes but I would also love to see it through you in whatever way you perceive it. You ask me if I will go back......well the path forward has never been clearer and I would only be a fool if I don't proceed.
She has started crying by now, “You know I prayed for a lot of things, but not even once did I pray, that He should keep you in my life against your will, I didn’t want it to be an act of compulsion, I want you to be in my life more for yourself than for me, that in the act of loving me, you find your own happiness”......her voice is breaking because of the sobs.
“Ansh.....Ansh.....Aaanssh”........”Ya..ya...tell me!!”....”Where are you lost...this is the fifth time I called you...What are you doing???”
“I heard you are doing something with pen and paper....which means you are writing something….want to tell me about it!!”
“Ummm!!......nothing just some old thoughts.”
They are in a valley, its springtime, the sun is shining with its shooting light and on a red and white checked mattress laid on the grass, a dream is being recreated, fine wine and Sia’s special cheese sandwiches, everything is exactly the way depicted in the painting except one thing, there is a new member to the beautiful family, their daughter who is playing in Sia’s lap.
“Oh my God!!....Sia.....Ohh...my God”......exclaimed Ansh all excited!!!!
“I think she is going to take her first step....she is trying to stand up on her legs”
“Should I let her go???” asked Sia excited….
“Yaa.....let her go slowly”......And as Sia let her go.....the baby started taking her first step walking towards Ansh......and as she reached him taking those cute little steps, he took her in his lap and kissed her. Though Sia couldn’t see all that but hearing her baby making those cute little noises and Ansh playing with her, she developed an even beautiful picture. Ansh moved closer to her and putting his arms around her with their baby between them he tangled them beautifully in a cute little embrace.
And at that moment it became quite evident that only because Love is blind to all the unwanted complexities around us, it becomes the most powerful force in this world.