One cannot be humble and aware of oneself at the same time.
- Madeleine L'Engle, A Circle of Quiet
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Today I am free but why I am not happy, why?
Instead I am afraid, feeling warmth and a weakness in my body as it's burning in the darker flame whole body is aching and sweating as I am going unconscious but why?
This is the big day has came after a long wait after all today I will go outside. I could do whatever I wanted to do; I could go wherever I would love to,
But wait where I want to go?
Before coming here what I had to do where I had to go, whom people with I had to spend time?
Why today I couldn’t remember any of those things?
Why today I am only willing to do single thing to stay here and to being a prisoner.
Today all I could have remember, so the friends I have made here, the things I have done here, my enemies, my friends, my happiness, my sadness, my everything belongs to here this is my home for many years. Today I couldn’t remember any of else memory before coming here and I could not think about the outside of these ‘walls.
“These walls are mysterious. First you afraid from them and you hate them. Then you get used to them. Enough time passes, you get so depend on them.
And Dependency is the cruelest disease discovered on earth by human, it most often make people hollow from deep inside, and paralyzed that they forget to use their own mind and strength. People after getting dependent on other or anything become a walking dead; person’s each small thing to valuable thing gets influenced by someone other’s happiness, other desire. Sometimes they hate them but even cannot afford to stay away from them.
Dependencies get transformed very statically as the highest and longest wall of prison situated inside of person’s own mind.
Inside of these walls you feel safe, limits, boundaries made you feel happy and free that’s all labyrinthine.
I am Austen have come here almost 50 years ago, when I was 19 and accused of murder.
There was a dark night and I was going home where I heard the voice of women from the lane I went there and saw a men trying to rape, abusing or beating her. I saw but refused to help, I turned around and moved forward, just after few steps I get stopped and began to hear the scream as its get slower my heartbeats getting faster and as I couldn’t bear out it all more then I turned back.
Where I saw the men was completely upon her and almost killed her, I run towards them and hit on his head from the stone he fall back I attacked two, three times more I wasn’t in sense and couldn’t think anything; what I am doing and why and till then men had died. Women was standing there in shock I asked her to come to police she came and as we described the incident to police and till then the family of men also been arrived and they began to abuse me and also to the women and there I get to know that the men was her husband.
Men used to do this kind of abusive behave with her and that day she came outside and it all get happened might be because he had to die there and that time.
I found guilty of murder and being sentenced the imprisonment of life time. After coming inside at the beginning I face so much fear, as how I will live here inside of walls, surrounded with weird people and strangers. But as time passes I used to live here, made good friends with them I laughed, I cried I eaten food, did work experienced all life. Yes me willing to go outside and be free; but wait, do am I really feel caged here? Is this a prison? And does that women will be free today outside after that night?
Why I never felt this way here yes sometimes I felt lonely, poverty-stricken, lost and broken as facing a lethal routine of getting up daily in morning at same time, doing all same kind of work entire day then eating same kind of food and then the exact bed at night to lay down with the blank mind and thousand of screaming and silent thoughts but is that mean being caged?
Aren’t the people outside of this prison living in their big houses feels this way ever?
And if they do so this entire world is prison and we all are prisoner, none is free here.
Even many times I tried to go outside and present myself to warden not for being free instead for getting shift to other place as this prison is also a living place for me. Each time before going to warden I used to get prepare and aware what I will say but till the last moment I get shaken from inside and refuse to leave.
But today is the day when I don’t have any choice, my imprisonment been completed and time is to go outside I could not live here anymore as I am dying of thinking about outside, it’s like till now I was free but today I’m going to be caged;
What is this prison?